Champions Cup - Round 9 Results & Musings
July 15, 2006
By Jason Gilkey
Another beautiful night at the Sportsplex, and had a lot of great matches- Team Bye actually had a FULL team!!! The Great Captain Waldo actually played a match, we had a battle royale between Mr. Lippy and Big Dog (if you don't know the names, you need to start coming out and watching the matches), and may have had a return of our Groupies of the Night Award- will have to award it to myself- I had my wife, new daughter, and a few lessons out watching me stink up the court.

First things first- Andy Veal has dropped out due to back injury (joining Cooley and Crouch), so Danny Birchmore moves up to #5 on their team and can play #1 singles. Next week is Week 10, and then we have an off week with tournament starting on July 20. Remember the format- #1 and #2 teams get byes, #3 plays #6, #4 plays #5. #1 plays lowest seeded winner and #2 plays highest seeded winner on July 23, with finals on July 27.

Okay, now on with the summary- this week's theme:

TOP NEWSPAPER HEADLINES THE TENNESSEAN IS AFRAID TO PUBLISH:

1. RYAN LIPMAN SHOWS TENNIS BALLS: Young Ryan Lipman, a.k.a. "White Bread" or "Lippy", showed some cojones by confronting the cagey veteran Jim Madrigal and winning 11-9 in third set tiebreaker. After continously being baited by Madrigal all week daring Ryan to play him again, Lipman won another tight battle in the feature match. On match point Ryan hit a screaming forehand on the line for a clean winner, and then jubilantly said "Golly gee-willickers, that was sure swell!" (Not really). Observers are sharpely debating whether Ryan may be the best 110 pound tennis player in the world. 

In a semi-closely related story.....
2. VASECTOMY PROBLEMS AMONG TENNIS PLAYERS- BAD BALLS OR BAD DOCTORS? After careful research, this reporter has discovered an alarming occurrence of "vasectomies gone bad" among top Nashville tennis players. Conspiracy theorists are going crazy with all the instances of 2nd surgeries, additional sampling and the added insult of doctors employing young models for nurses. 

3. 2-HANDLED RACKETS AND DIAGONAL STRING BEDS- WHAT THE #&8@? At a recent Champions Cup event, certain older players were observed carrying very unconventional tennis equipment. A certain Charlie Frangos has a bizarrre racket with 2 handles- when asked why does it have 2 handles, Charlie replied "Because they couldn't fit 3." Luckily Charlie's steroid injections give him the strength to swing a 13 ounce racket. A certain Mark Sutton has a racket with diagonal strings- which makes one wonder how much extra spin the man actually needs, since spin slows the ball down even more. All we need is Drew Shillinglaw to start playing with his Weed 150 square inch racket, and we are truly the old bunch of guys playing in the park once a week- oops, we're already doing that.

4. KEN LARGE ENACTS REVENGE AND BREAKS RECORD FOR CURSING Ken Large toughed out an incredible match against his evil arch nemesis, Danny Birchmore. Observers kept waiting for Danny to bow humbly and say, "Ken, thank you so much for beating me 10-8 in third, you are amazing. Thank you for allowing me to play with you tonight, you were marvelous, and you curse the best among all 2,980 players I've played against. It was an honor to hear your linguistic skills employed in such brilliant exclamations."

5. DECKER OUT-UGLIES MENZIE In a match filled with mishits, open-court errors, and downright ugly tennis, Matt Decker survived a tough two set match with a surprisingly calm Craig Menzie. Spectators were frightened to see Craig generally calm and laid-back following some definitely "un-Craig-like" shots. Where, pray-tell, is the "Crazy Craig" from years past? 

6. A.W. AND VINCE WIN! A.W. AND VINCE WIN! The match between A.W. Speake, Vince Brown, Mark Sutton and Gary Witzgall had it all- blistering down-the-line winners, first and second serve aces, angled drop shots, unbelievable poaches off the serves and off returns, and diving stretch volleys. Oops, wrong match, but this was a really good one that Speake and Brown won 10-7 in third set breaker. Spectators wanted the sideline reporter to give Gary Witzgall a hard time because he double-faulted on match point, but the reporter can't say much because:

7. GILKEY NEVER HOLDS In a not very surprising result, Jason Gilkey never held serve in a 1-6, 6-7 doubles loss to Todd Smith and Matt Fones. In fact, he never sniffed a hold. Never got close. Never made Todd and Matt stop yawning. It was all a ploy so that when Gilkey served to Todd at 5-6 in breaker, Todd was supposed to be surprised that Gilkey hit a great first serve IN and miss the return. Trouble was Todd ripped the return to Gilkey's partner, who was truly surprised because it was the first "first" serve Gilkey had hit in in about 45 minutes, and missed the volley out of shock.

8. BIG BALLERS CLINCH TOP SEED FOR TOURNAMENT With their stirring 3-2 victory over the always dangerous and dependable Team Bye, the Big Ballers are assured a bye for the first round of the tournament. Captain Ken Large was ecstatic with his team's play- "I am so f###ing proud of all my f###ing players for all their f###ing hard work."

9. TEAM BYE BREAKS DOUBLE-DIGITS Team Bye surprisingly now have 11 wins and prevented the Big Ballers from quadrupling their win total. The Team clinched the #6 seed for the tournament, but as was proved last year, anything can happen in the tournament. If Danny Birchmore had beaten Ken Large and David Rudd and Matt Beckham had beaten Brandon Black and Johnny Lu, it would have been 4-1 Team Bye. Anything is possible with this format and these teams, so stayed tuned.

10. ALL-IN AND JURASSIC PARK REMAIN 2 MATCHES APART All-In and Jurassic Park (Minus One) remained separated by 2 matches in All-In's favor heading into their showdown next week. They are fighting for the #2 seed and a first-round bye in the tournament. Team Tenacity is lurking distantly behind at the #3 and #4 spot, so things can change very quickly with a blow-out by someone next week. #3 team will have to face the dangerous Team Bye in the first round of the tournament.

WEEK 9 RESULTS:
BIG BALLERS 3 TEAM BYE 2
1. Ken Large (Ballers) def. Danny Birchmore (Bye) 6-4, 2-6, 10-8
2. Van Malone (Ballers) def. Kirk Seufert (Bye) 6-1, 6-2
1. Brandon Black/Johnny Lu (Ballers) def. David Rudd/Matt Beckham (Bye) 7-6, 6-4
2. Blain Smith/Randy Howell (Bye) def. Ray Blair/Scott Snoyer (Ballers) 7-5, 7-5
3. Bill Vaughn/Mark Srouji (Bye) def. Steve Stewart/Danny Summerville (Ballers) 6-1, 6-3

TENACITY 3 ALL-IN 2
1. Matt Decker (All-In) def. Craig Menzie (Tenacity) 7-6, 6-4
2. Tenacity wins by default.
1. Todd Smith/Matt Fones (Tenacity) def. Kearney Gay/Jason Gilkey (All-In) 6-1, 7-6
2. Jack Baker/Daniel Gifford (All-In) def. Mat Bulow/Dustin Overbeek (Tenacity) 
3. Tenacity wins by default.

BUS BOYZ 3 JURASSIC PARK 2
1. Ryan Lipman (Boyz) def. Jim Madrigal (Jurassic) 11-9 
2. Ian Chadwell (Jurassic) def. Paul Jefferson (Boyz) 
1. Mark Fentriss/Michael Moretti (Boyz) def. Russ Lott/Dan Bowers (Jurassic) 6-4, 6-3
2. Greg Chambers/Fletcher Lance (Jurassic) def. Fabian Campos/Charlie Frangos (Boyz) 6-4, 6-3
3. A.W. Speake/Vince Brown (Boyz) def. Gary Witzgall/Mark Sutton (Jurassic) 3-6, 6-3, 10-7

MATCH OF THE WEEK:  Ryan Lipman def. Jim Madrigal 11-9 third tiebreaker
SINGLES PLAYER OF THE WEEK:  Ken Large
DOUBLES TEAM OF THE WEEK:  A.W. Speake and Vince Brown
TEAM OF THE WEEK:  Bus Boyz